Pregnancy Loss is still a loss.

I am blogging about this today because for some reason I do not understand, this subject has been heavy on my mind and heart lately. Maybe it is because October 15 approaching and that is the Pregnancy and Infant Lost Awareness Day.

This is something that I do not speak of often. I have learned over the years that it is less painful to not tell people of my lost pregnancies then it is to just keep quiet and not share these painful times of my life. There are lots of things that people say that are meant as comfort, but are simply painful. the most painful one is: At least you didn't have time to bond. So this loss cannot be as painful as loosing a child that was born. And another thing that people say is: At least you lost the baby before it was real/alive.

Let me just say that even though I lost each baby in the first trimester, I did bond. I lost 7 babies, each one of them was dearly wanted and loved from the moment the pregnancy was confirmed. Each one was far enough along to have a heartbeat. After I lost the first baby I told myself with each pregnancy that I would not bond until I knew for sure that this pregnancy would be full term. Yeah, it didn't work out that way. I bonded and lost them anyways. 

There are seven hearts that I will never get to feel beating. Seven sets of eyes that I will never know what color they would have been. Seventy fingers and toes that I will never get to wiggle. Seven sets of lips that I will never get to hear say "Mama". Seven sets of ears that will never hear me say "I love you with everything I am". Seven times my heart was ripped from my chest. Seven times I had to say goodbye before I had the chance to say hello.

So, people please be kind and gentle with your words. Even though a lost pregnancy of a friend may not seem real or alive to you, it is very real and painful for your friend.

So disappointed... :'(

I went to the Endocrinologist today hoping to get my clearance for my repair surgery. Soooo not what I got. Instead I find out that I need surgery on my thyroid now. The plan now is to see the thyroid surgeon and set up a surgery date and all the lovely tests that go with that. They were not happy with the results of my thyroid biopsy and given the family history of thyroid cancer feel like this is something that I should not mess around with. And the risks are very high if I do the repair surgery before they get my thyroid straightened out. Then wait 6 months to see if I can then get cleared for the repair surgery. Yes, that's what I said...6 months AFTER the thyroid surgery before I can reschedule my repair surgery. I am beyond frustrated. I am so over it. So done. Now if I could just get my body to accept this, things would be great.

Who am I?

Well, to begin with I am many things. I am a single mother of two beautiful children; a 23 year old daughter, Dawn and a 10 year old boy, Gabriel. I am Nonnie to three awesome grandchildren, Thaddeus almost 5 years old, Shawn 3 years old and Makenzie 2 years old. I am a Godmother, a sister, a daughter, a granddaughter, an aunt and a friend. I am the face of pregnancy loss (I lost 7 babies all together). I am a CDH survivor. I am opinionated. I am caring. I am tough. I am soft hearted. I am scatter brained. I am compasionate. I am determined. I am giving. I am creative. I am grieving. I am soft spoken, not to be mistaken for weak. I am strong. I am passionate. I am out spoken. I am a good listener. I am comforting. I am Woman. I am disabled. I am a Survivor.